The Soccer Mom Psychopath

Many people ask me about my experiences during process serving and they are always curious as to how I do it without being afraid. They say things like “arent you worried” or” have you ever had any bad experiences.” I reply to them “No Im not scared and yes Ive had plenty of bad experiences”, but these experiences come with the territory.

I was once delivering some documents to a young lady that was alluding service and the experience ended with a lot of sass and an attempt on my life with a ballpoint pen. As I closed in on the address I realized that the home was located in a gated community, I was suddenly struck with panic. I whipped my old but reliable Prius out of the driveway and made my way around the corner and went around the block until I made my way to the gate once more.

My hunch was correct, just as I made it around the bend a resident of the community began to enter the four-digit pin. The gate began to lift and I hi-tailed myself right behind the Subaru hatchback, barely making it past the fence, before the gate closed down upon the hood of my car. I casually cruised past several children playing and middle-aged men mowing their lawns, until I finally reached my destination. At the exact moment I parked I realized I had this one in the bag.

There was a mini van parked in the driveway and lights on in the family room and Mariah Carey blaring in the background. I strolled up to residence and casually knocked on the door, with no answer. I attempted several more times with no response. I then changed my demeanour from a polite and eager door-to-door salesperson to an annoying door to door Mormon. I bolted to the nearest window and saw the woman sitting in the living room; I then rang the doorbell and knocked obsessively in a compulsive yet intricate pattern.

The pound of her footsteps were militant and you could hear the veins popping out of her forehead. She opened the door and retorted “who are you what the h*** do you want”. I happily stated “I have some papers for you”. The usual who, what, when, and why questions were asked and then she barked how she was not accepting the papers. She shot me a smile like she had just won the battle, and in response I smiled back kindly and dropped the papers at her feet and told her have a great night. As I walked towards my trusty sidekick I heard a battle cry shout out behind me.

The lady came chasing after me, I had little time to react. I made it to my car and had started to peel out of the driveway. I thought to myself “Im safe”, but the reassurance came all too soon. I suddenly realized that I hadnt locked my door, and the disgruntled customer whipped it open. She stole the pen that was nestled behind my ear, and straddled herself between the door and the frame of the car and began swinging the pen reluctantly at my jugular. In the end I was left with a huge adrenaline rush, a maniac laying on the street, and made the day for the police office at the other end of my assault report.